Ponyboys Selfcondemnation
by Sick Embrace
Summary: Johnny and Dally are dead. Ponyboy is overwhelmed by guilt. Will the gang notice ponyboys silent cry for help? WARNING: contains selfinjury. dont read if you dont like. reviews and flames greaty appreciated and accepted
1. floor

Ponboy POV

It's never going to be the same again. Is it?

I'll never get to paint Dallas while he was in his dangerous mood. I'll never have a friend like Johnny; I'll never see Johnny get the life he deserved.

I felt the guilt in the pit of my stomach. I felt it rise and slowly push my food upwards.

I tried to comfort myself and thought of the reason I ran away with Johnny. I thought back and it made my head hurt. Trying desperately to skip the horrible memories. My throat tightened and I could feel the pain on the sides of my head and behind my eyes.

I started to remember, remember my fight with Darry:

"I didn't mean to!" Darry had shouted, I almost shook. "I didn't think! I forgot! That's all I hear out of you! Can't you think of anything?"

"_Darry…" Sodapop began, but Darry turned on him._

"_You keep your trap shut! I'm sick and tired of hearin' you stick up for him!"_

_He should never yell at Soda. Nobody should ever holler at my brother. I exploded. "You don't yell at him!" I shouted. Darry wheeled around and slapped me so hard that it knocked me against the door._

"It was Darry's fault that, not yours" I kept telling myself. "If he didn't hit you, none of this would have happened" I kept blaming Darry and the guilt rose at such a fast pace I threw up in my mouth.

Being in the kitchen and next to Sodapop I tried to swallow it. My throat tightened more and I was silently despising my self. I knew it was my fault and I felt even more guilty trying to deny it.

"How can you blame Darry? Its your fault that Johnny's dead". My efforts to swallow proved pointless as I rushed to the toilet.

I felt the sickly substance push its way through my constricted throat. I felt the pain behind my eyes soften as they started to water. The putrid stench hit my nose and my all my previous intricate thoughts simplified to 'please, make this stop'

Water splashed back onto my face and the thought of the waste touching my face made me throw up even more violently.

I hugged the bowl for dear life and coughed pieces of food out and tried to keep the rest inside me.

I could still feel the guilt and my stomach was also pained from overworking the muscles near there. I attempted to spit out the taste and rid myself of the string of spit that dangled from my mouth without coming into contact with it.

As I lifted my right knee from the floor I remembered Cherry.

I remembered her face so close to tears, I also remembered it was me who caused her to be that way. With that thought, I bent over again and hurled.

I kept at it until there was nothing left to throw up. I could still feel the tightness in my throat and the overwhelming guilt.

I crawled to the side towards the sink and opened the cabinet. I took out a razor and pressed hard down onto the patch of skin below my wrist and near my elbow, where my veins seemed to disappear. As I dragged it down my left arm, I knew it broke the skin. I could feel the pain shoot to my fingertips.

I tried to drag the razor in a straight line downwards, but I was shaking so much.

I realized I was crying and gasping for air.

The guilt subsided and I lay on the tiled floor. I felt cold. I looked down at my arm and saw the blood seep out in what seemed to be shiny red balls.

I watched the shiny spheres grow until they grew to heavy and rolled towards the floor, across my arm.

With my other arm I held onto my shoulder for reassurance. Reassurance for what? I'm not so sure.

I tucked my knees close to my chest and realized how cold I really was. I was still shaking and could feel every now and then a soothing warm tear roll down my face.

My left arm was no longer paining but was numb. It was so numb, my hands and feet were so cold. My throat tightened again and I realized how alone I was.

I wanted to whimper, to sigh, to give out a sign to Soda that I wanted him to burst in and wrap a warm comforting arm around me to replace the cold dead one I was using.

I tucked my shivering legs in closer and wrapped my cold arm around myself tighter. I kept my gaze upon the razor that lay on the floor and thought to myself

"I deserve this"


	2. bed

By the way I forgot to add: I OWN NOTHING!

Ponyboys POV

I slowly opened the door, rubbing the side of my face that had lain on the cold tiled floor.

Soda stood at the door looking terribly worried.

"Pony, you alright?" he asked. His face tense, his eyebrows raised in the middle.

"Yeah, I just don't feel too good" I replied softly looking at the ground.

"You wanna aspirin or sumtin? Maybe you need to take a rest? Go to bed and have a rest" he said guiding me towards our bedroom.

"Soda, I'm fine, really" I tried to say strongly and definitely, and was going quite well until I let out a nervous chuckle at the end.

"I don't think so Pony, maybe you shouldn't go out with us tonight"

I remembered I was going to go see a movie with the gang… well what was left of the gang. I didn't want to go, partly because Steve didn't want me there, but mostly because I wanted some alone time to think.

I agreed with Soda and went to bed. It was 7:00pm but I felt tired from all the crying.

I went to Soda and my bedroom and crawled into the bed. Darry would be home later and I could hear Two-bit walk through and plop himself on the kitchen bench.

I smiled a bit as I listened to him ramble about some girl working at Wendys.

"I think her name was …Roxy, Rachael, Rebecca….well, it began with an R"

"O yeah, smooth, so next time you see her just gonna guess her name?"

"It's not HER name that's important, it's MY name……. she'll need to know what to scream"

I hear Soda and Two-bit laugh and high five each other, but couldn't help but wonder exactly WHAT Two-bit introduced himself as to girls. Two-bit? Or Keith?

It doesn't sound rite for a girl to say "Two-bit" during sex.

My stomach churned again with that horrible thought. I wanted to whack myself in the head for having such sick thoughts. I guess I can't help it; sick people will have sick thoughts.

"mmmmm… Re….Ra…….that Wendys girl"

Soda giggled at Two-bit lack of consideration to try and remember her name.

I don't think Two-bit was actually interested in her but he liked to show off the fact that he knew so many good looking girls. I heard a door a slam which evidently meant that Steve had arrived.

"Hey guys, aaawww… you all waited for me! Let's go"

I could hear soda rummaging around trying to find his jacket.

"come on…." Steve whined.

"hold on…hold on…just need my jacket."

Soda burst through the door and I pretended to be asleep. "oh, sorry Pony" he whispered and slowly shut the door.

"Isn't Ponyboy coming?" I heard Two-bit say.

"Naw, poor guys sick" Soda whispered back and I guessed, motioned that I was sleeping.

Ignoring this Steve loudly said "Thank the LORD! Kids been following us around"

I knew it wasn't true as I had been so alone recently. I had often declined to Sodapops requests to join them. I was only going to go originally because I knew they weren't gonna be pickin up any girls. I hugged the sheets as I heard Sodapop punch Steve and loudly whisper "he's SLEEPING"

"Good thing too, really don't feel like having the kid ruining my night" He whispered back just as loud and menacingly.

" What you talking bout? Pony aint doing nothing! How's he ruinin your night?!"

"Has he got no friends? Kids following us round lookin all glum and sorrowful, I don't wanna have ta look at that when I'm tryin' ta have some fun!"

They're voices were getting louder and I could feel a pain in my throat.

"What? Since when you …"

Two bit finally cut in: "Listen, he's not coming with us, okay? Lets just go"

But they continued, I wish had listened to two bit and just left but they continued to argue about me.

"I only put up wit him cause of you! Sorry you had to hear this Soda, but I don't like the kid. He may be your brother but I just don't like him. You can't make me like him. Sorry man"

Soda let out a sigh "kay, fine, just….lets go…."

I heard them finally start to move towards the door. And soda started to talk again "I just… why now? He needs us most now and you just decide you now don't like him?!"

"Listen buddy… I just never liked the kid okay? Just don't like him that's all"

Two bit was getting bored. "Alright, let's just agree to disagree, okay? Now go!"

I relaxed my grip on the blankets when I heard them leave and the front door close.

I heard them outside talking again but they were too far away to for me to hear their words. I could hear them mumbling for a few minutes now and wished they would just leave. I was hoping they weren't still talking about me. Their voices rose and I heard soda say: "What did you say?! What the hell do you mean by that!?"

"You know god dam well what I mean! We all know and I'm sure we've all been thinking about it!" Steve said half yelling.

"It was NO-ONES FAULT!" I heard Soda hollered at him.

"Yea, sure you keep telling yourself that. He's your brother, I get it, but you deny the facts and you can't protect him forever! Your gonna have to face up to it one day buddy"

"Don't call me buddy" I heard Soda say… and I guessed he walked off because I heard Steve say "Fine!"

2 minutes later I heard someone come in the house. I already felt so horrible but now I had a horrible pit in my stomach and something told me it was Steve in the room.

They walked into the kitchen and took a slice of cake then promptly sat on the couch. I wanted badly to go find the razor but it was in the bathroom and I knew I would have to pass them if I went to go get it. I dug my fingernails into my arm and starched long and deep enough that I could feel the skin rip off and curl underneath my fingernails.

It hurt and I could feel a stickiness that stung when I touched it a few seconds after.

I could still feel something… what was it? Rage? He was in our house. My house. He had made Soda upset. He had told Soda the truth and now he was in my house using our things as if it were his own.

I started clawing at my wrist. I was so angry. It was so unfair! Everyone hated me. Steve hated me and was making everyone hated. I was so angry at Steve, but mainly at myself.

'They would have found out later anyways' it made me more angry and I accidentally let out a strange noise. It was kind of like a frustrated whining growl.

I buried my face into my pillow hoping that Steve didn't hear me.

I heard him get up but walk towards the window and not my door. He must've thought it was a dog outside.

I had so many thoughts inside my head I didn't even know what I was thinking that made me chuckle. I started chuckling into my pillow and tears leaked out of my eyes. I had no idea why but I didn't want to be crying. I willed myself to stop and my throat constricted. It worked though. I was still chuckling though. It was scaring me a bit. Why would I be chuckling? _You're a sick child Pone. A SICK child._

I jumped a bit in my bed at the voice. I looked around hoping it came from somewhere in my room but I knew it came from inside me. Suddenly my worries of Steve in the next room disappeared as I suddenly had felt very cold.

I tried to cover myself up as the coldness increased. I knew it was back. That voice. It was me, but not me. I was scared.

_What kid kills his friends? You disgust me. You're a sick puppy._

'Go away, please leave me alone' I thought. I needed to get away from quickly but I knew it was impossible.

I crawled to the other side of the bed and pulled the covers over my head. Silence.

I stayed under there for a long time. I couldn't remember when I had fallen asleep. I woke up and it was hard to breathe.

I threw the blanket off me and the cold air slapped my warm and sweaty face. I was boiling hot except for my hands and feet which always seemed to be cold and clammy.

I took in a deep breath of the fresh air and my body jolted into a sitting position.

I rubbed my face and pushed my hair back but froze when I heard a voice.

"I'm coming in"

I held my breath but started to breathe again (and quite rapidly) when I saw it was Soda. I was so relieved. Without thinking, my arms stretched out in a plea to be hugged, I disguised it as a stretch as I brought them up over my head.

Soda gave me a puzzled look and continued to walk over. "You feeling better now Pony?"

"umm… I think so" He plopped himself on the bed next to me and looked at my face carefully. He brought his hand to my forehead and painfully inhaled.

"You still don't look too well, I'll get Darry" he said as if holding his breath and walked out of the room.

Darry came in the room a few seconds later and stood a small distance away from me, inspecting my face.

"hmmm…. I dunno…. You think you can still go to school tomorrow?"

I thought about it for a second and decided I didn't want to be left alone and couldn't afford to miss out on anymore school. I nodded as an answer.

"hmmm….." he said with his hand stroking his chin. He turned his head towards the door and called out to Sodapop.

"Hey! I think you should sleep on the couch tonight; Pony might have a virus or something. Can't afford to get sick. Okay?"

"You sure?" Soda said walking into the room.

"Yeah" Darry said looking back at me.

He leaned down and said "If it gets any worse tell me, you might need to see a doctor, get some rest Ponyboy"

He walked out the room, Soda followed. Soda whispered "Goodnight Pony" before gently shuting the door.

I sat there frozen in place and thought to myself 'it's gonna be a LONG night'. In the corner of my eye, I could see the blackness start to wash its way across the room towards me.


End file.
